Hilarious New Year's Diet Resolutions Straight from Twitter

new year's diet resolutions

new year's diet resolutions

Sometimes you just have to have a sense of humor when it comes to New Year's diet resolutions.  You know those really big and dramatic resolutions we all make like losing 50 pounds, never eating sugar again, going paleo.   But in between the time you make that super fantastic resolution and the time you actually have to take action on it, there is a DANGER PERIOD.

It's called "before New Year's I will"...  and I found hysterically funny (and relatable) tweets all about it.  So enjoy the humor straight from Twitter.


Control - Alt - Delete?

"Try to google and find a video on how to restore your body back to factory settings."

-- Lisa Dunson (@LisaDunson)

Hmmmm.  This would be brilliant if it worked!

The Eternal Pessimist

"Have already abandoned all my resolutions."

--Nick Ludgwig (@TheSkinnyLiar)

Please, give it 24 hours, lol!

new year's diet resolutions

new year's diet resolutions

Give 'Em to Santa

"Stop eating Christmas cookies!"

--Gina J (@hardlyvanilla)

Who can't relate to "having" to finish the holiday treats?  PS:  Pitched mine today.

Thinking Positive!

"Eat some  more chocolate"

--Vanessa (@July_Moon)

I love how this lady thinks!  Dark chocolate does have antioxidants, sooooo.....

new year's diet resolutions

new year's diet resolutions

Planned Regrets?

"Eat a lot of food that I will regret the day after."

--Dallas (@DallaswithaD)

I think Dallas speaks for most of us.  Haven't you ever decided to cram as much junk in as possible before starting a diet?  Or is that just me?

pritnable fitness planner

pritnable fitness planner

My Soul Brother/Sister

"Finish an entire tub of ice cream."

--Cringy Gray (@GoldPrimrose)

Ice cream is my all time favorite food and personal kryptonite.  Gotta love the way Cringy Gray thinks!

No Calorie Left Behind

"Eat everything!  How many calories??  All of them."

--Joel Mathers (@JoelMathers)

Gotta lol at this!

Deep Fried Twinkies?

"Indulge in fried fatty foods and then stop for two weeks or so."

--Jimi Antwon (@JiMiAntwon)

Hey, stopping for two weeks is better than most people can do!  Obviously not MY readers, but ya know!

new year's diet resolutions

new year's diet resolutions


"Gorge myself with chocolate - before I make some dumb resolution to diet (for a few hours).

--Agatha Chocolats (@AgathaChocolats)

This would be something I would say when I'm feeling fat and sassy!

Make Friends with a Bear

"Eat my weight in stuffed crust pizza and get ready for a 4 year hibernation."

--Alabama Liberal (@Alabama_Liberal)

Find the nearest cave, cozy up to a bear, and sleep off the pizza.  Sounds like a fun new trend!

Just Bein' Real

"Probably eat another pound of dessert..."

--GiGi (@atypical_fatgirl)

Short and sweet.  And truthful. :)

new year's diet resolutions

new year's diet resolutions

For running??

"Clean off my treadmill. :)"

--Khaleesi (@khaleesi_1)

Didya know some people use a treadmill as a clothing rack??  (My treadmill collects dust in the basement, btw.)

Going for the Good Stuff!

"I will overindulge in decadent #cakes and fine #wines! January 1st is soon enough for deprivation."

--Maria Ruffolo (@_MariaRuffolo)

If you're going to indulge, it's good to choose a step up from Hostess Ding Dongs.  And $3 wine (like what's currently in my fridge).

Playing or Watching?

"Overdose on football, alcohol and cheese."

--Deplorable_Mike_n_KC (@Patriot4545)

The alcohol and cheese is one thing, but if you're actually playing football there might be a chance for redemption.

Does it Have to be Toblerone?

"Eat my weight in #Toblerone chocolate, probably."

--Jess (@heyits_wheels)

I can respect eating one's weight in chocolate, but personally I'd prefer Lindt or Godiva.  :)

Totally Doable Goal

"Gain another 5 pounds."

--Law-Raw (@_laura_mcqueen)

Most of us could easily figure out a way to make this happen, right?

 Have a Plan

"Eat every fatty, sugary, unhealthy thing in sight... before starting my diet January 1st."

--Kimberly (@kyc_from_nyc)

I love how Kimberly will turn lemons (or maybe lemon meringue pie) into lemonade by having that diet ready to go on the 1st!

Another Variation on the Gluttony Theme

"Eat every piece of junk food I lay my eyes on ... as much as I can fit into my body."

--Aelnire (@ErinLea7)

I think we can all relate to this sentiment.  Shove it in before New Year's Day.

A Fitness Realist

"Probably not go to the gym... that's what January 1st is for.  Right? Who am I kidding... January 2."

--Tracey (@IndyJournalista)

OK, this girl gets it. You can definitely skip the gym occasionally, but you climb right back on that fitness wagon.  Er... treadmill.

This is Thrifty

"Eat everything left in the fridge and then return to the diet."

--ShadowBolt (@ShadowBolt09)

Ya gotta use up the leftovers.  #Facts.

It's Not a Lie If...

"Keep lying to myself about making a resolution to work out more."

--KGREG_lovelet (@officialkgregxx)

Sometimes you have to keep plugging away at a goal.  In all seriousness, I probably made this resolution a dozen times before I started keeping it.

An Interesting Evening

"Squeeze myself into some lingerie. Eat a steak with my bare hands by candlelight and play 5 hands of solitaire."

--Sonow How (@WebDev_Portland)

Nice visual here.  I love how the tight lingerie might serve as a deterrent to eating dessert after the steak.

new year's diet resolutions

new year's diet resolutions

Kinda Sad

"Make goals to lose weight but will still continue to sit on the couch watching Netflix and eating junk food."

--Micah Thomas (@Look_its_micah)

At first I laughed, but the sad truth is lots of us do the same.  #NotThisYear

Sarcastic Like Me

"Post on social media the annual 'New Year, New Me!' bullshit, then not change a single damn thing about myself."

--Andrew Searles (@andrewsearles)

I am sure this is all in jest, but aren't there times when we get caught up into making grand goals and resolutions all the while knowing we'll never fulfil them?

A Head Start

"Gain 10 pounds so when I do the whole lose weight thing in 2017 I will feel more successful."

--Ashley LITT (@ladeuce)

Brilliant! Of course I'm sure I've done the exact same thing unintentionally.  Just like all the other "eat everything not nailed down" folks above.

Good Grub

"Eat as much tamales and brisket that I want, then go back to that losing weight life."

--13 - 2 (@arejuan10)

Decisiveness is a great quality.  I love a man who knows he is specifically going to gorge on tamales and brisket.  Those are also two of my very favorite savory foods!

Yet Another...

"Eat everything in sight, especially junk food, before the inevitable #new year's resolution to lose weight and exercise."

--Truth Island (@TruthIsland1)

Probably the 10th version of "eat all the food."  I love that great minds think alike!

So Many Options

"Rack my brain to figure out what resolution I can make that I can actually keep. And no, I'm not giving up chocolate."

--Maggie (@MargaretClancy)

A Fellow Rebel!

"Fully enjoy my time off by eating my weight in carbs. #notWhole30compliant #noregrets #hopemypantsstillfit."

Shree Majumdar (@shreee)

There are times when you just have to live a little, defy the rules and feel oh-so-good about it.  #StartingWhole30Tomorrow

It's Not My Fault

"Told myself before New Year's I will get fit, instead I got fat.  My brain obviously mixed up the letter "I" with an "a." Honest mistake, right?"

Nourr (@itsNourr218)

Not to rant, but a pet peeve of mine is when a diet book starts out with "it's not your fault..." Because, let's be real, we are the ones shoving the food in our mouths.  But if our brains received a mixed message?  All bets are off.  I'm claiming this excuse for myself, lol.

I hope you enjoyed these hilarious Twitter resolutions as much as I have.  Laughter does burn calories, remember.  And now I'm off to make a "real" resolution.  Seriously. :)

PS:  If you are ready to get serious about your health this year, then do something about it!  One simple step is to log your food and workouts.  I have a fun printable diet & fitness planner that helps you set monthly fitness goals, plan meals, track workouts and weight, and lots more.  It's undated so you don't have to wait for New Year's.  You can start TODAY.  Check it out... Printable Diet & Fitness Planner.

LifestyleJacquiDiet, Goals, Holidays